3/18/11 Am I supposed to be getting better?

Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing.  All things considered, I was doing ok, so my reply was "Average, which is a lot better than it's been all week."

I got up this morning to go swimming, the sixth time in the past 2 weeks (Mon, Wed, Fri each week), and it was like someone lit a firecracker inside me during the night.  I was in a state of disbelief at how many thing could be hurting or not working right.  I'll run down the list:

1) Temple vein pain was a 6-7 out of 10
2) Heart was out of rhythm.  I don't think it was A-fib, but it just wasn't normal
3) Both shoulders were tight
4) Ribs on the left side were in agony
5) Breathing a little tough
6) Legs were really weak

Otherwise, I was fine.  In fairness to the blog, my shoulders and ribs hurt mostly because I had a few falls on the motorcycle last weekend.  Not big falls like you'd see on supercross on TV, but tipovers on a tough terrain change that I lost my momentum on and had no legs to catch the fall.

So, instead of jumping into the pool and beginning the warm up, I struggled down the ladder and eased in, then worked my way into whatever stroke I could manage.  I warmed up in about 5 minutes, and then tried to do the workout as best I could.  I normally (I hope normally anyway....and that this isn't the new norm) swim in the 4th lane which is the fastest of the novice and intermediate swimmers.  The other 4 or 5 lanes are for the fish and sea otters in our group.  This week I have been swimming in the first and second lane because I am so beat up.  My times have gone from a 1:30 average interval for a 100 yard set to over 2:00, so I'm going slower than slow.  At this rate, I might be on track to set a world record for going the slowest and actually calling it forward motion, but that's another story.

When it was over at 7:00, I got over to the ladder and did my best to haul out onto the deck.  I felt a bit like a Sea Lion hauling out on the beach, and as I sat down on the bench to dry off and dress, I watched as the fish and sea otters leaped out of the pool into their clothes in a single motion.  I thought about how just a year and a half ago I was doing that and thought about how doggone weak I've become.  I took my 10-15 minutes to dry off and dress as everyone else flitted off to work, and I hobbled to my car to drink the hot tea I had prepared earlier this morning.

Once seated in my car, I caught my breath somewhat and headed home.  I guess I'm in denial, disbelief, or whatever you want to call it.  I just can't believe how incredibly difficult the basic functions of life have become these past few weeks.  More importantly, I can't even imagine what might be ahead.  Some days I feel like I am on the verge of recovery and soon this whole nightmare will be behind me, and some days I feel like I have one foot on the grave and the other on the proverbial banana peel.

I look at photos and videos of when I used to play baseball, or look at my old baseball cards, and it seems so real yet so unreal.  I know that was me, but I can't imagine how I ever did it.  I can't remember how to run, jog, or even walk normally for any length of time.  It's just so bizarre.  I feel young, I think I can do something, but when I get up to go do it, it's like the prison guard comes by and chops my legs off for insubordination.  And then makes me have to go to the bathroom without giving me a cup.

I have grounded myself from flying, and haven't flown since November or December last year when I was feeling awesome after the CCSVI surgery.  My medical expires March 31, and I have an appointment down at the Mayo Clinic in April to get the bi-annual MRI's and annual meeting with Dr. Wingerchuck.  The past few years I was excited to go to the appointment because I was doing so well, but this year I am fearing some kind of disciplinary sermon might be forthcoming because CCSVI isn't something a hardcore neurologist seems to believe in yet.  I guess time will tell on how that goes.

I want to get back to doing things like this

I also need to get the Doppler done to check my blood flow in the jugular veins.  I am a little nervous on this too....if the veins are shut down again I have more hospital time ahead of me but would help explain the lack of real improvement.  But if they are all clear I have to somehow figure out what is next.  Do I get a break on this at some point?  Is there a chance I'll have all open veins, get off the blood thinners and start to recover?  I hope so, and so long as I know there is a chance, that's how I'll proceed.

3/3/11 The Roller Coaster

After working last week in sweatpants to ease the pressure on all the wounds and scars, I was able to go for a motorcycle ride on Saturday and Sunday.  I'm a novice rider and I don't jump or go blazing through the jungle.  I ride along trails to find places with great views or places to eat that I wouldn't otherwise find or be able to get to.  Dr. Arata told me to really take it easy if I was going to ride, and said he'd prefer I didn't do it at all, so I went with two friends again....one to pave the trail and look for problem areas, and one behind me in case I fell.

We had a lot of fun.  It was a little rainy (rare here in Vegas), and we went out of Boulder City toward the Hoover Dam.  It was a rocky trail, so the rain didn't really wash it out or make it too muddy.  Traction was good and we had a great time.

My heart was in rhythm all weekend too, and it's amazing how different I feel when it's in vs out.  I felt alive on the bike, both days.  I felt capable, worthy, and human.  I didn't feel like the guy who just spent 240 hours lying around in various hospital beds wondering where my life was headed.

I accidentally had a little too much fun on Sunday on the bike,and inadvertently upset my family by failing to return home in time to do some other things together.  I felt bad about doing that, as these are the people who take care of me, but while I was on the ride, I felt like for those 2 hours nobody really needed to take care of me.  And that part felt good.  I came home and we made up by going out to dinner and a movie together, and we're also heading to Phoenix this weekend to watch some spring training baseball.  Supposed to make 80 degrees down there this weekend.

So feeling great as the work week began, I wore jeans to the office to look like the construction company owner I am.  The office folks all noticed and asked how I was doing.  I was smiling after a nice weekend of feeling good, and we went about our work day.  After work, my partner and I went to dinner and I had a salad and water, which is pretty much all I eat in restaurants for dinner.  I went home, still feeling good, and went to bed, only to wake up with my heart in A-fib again.  It was a little strange, as Kathy had asked about how my heart was doing and right up to that point I was doing well.

Heart was out of rhythm for Tuesday and a little bit of Wednesday.  I worked, went to appointments, and did what I could, but that reduction in cardiac output really takes a bite out of my ability to concentrate for extended periods, and I found myself quite tired at the end of each day.  As I write this now, it's back in sinus rhythm, so I feel great again.

The master cleanse was cut short this time around because I felt I needed a full compliment of nutrition to recover from the hospital.  I'm using an iPhone app to monitor my calories in and out, and that seems to help with the weight in making food choices.  Kathy, of course, did some more research on the causes and controls of A-fib, and the latest discovery is the causal relationship between calcium and potassium/ magnesium levels.  We started taking more potassium and magnesium, so we're hopeful that we will see some evidence over time of this.  The idea of an ablation or living on arythmia medications is as horrible a thought as living on the MS medications I have avoided like the plague.

So the roller coaster continues.  Some days I feel great and alive, and others I feel like my heart is popping out of my chest, causing all kinds of anxiety and fear about how long I can go on like this.  My legs don't have much stamina, but they do feel like my gait is more normal when I am walking on fresh legs.  I figure it's going to take another 4 to 8 weeks to recover from the hospital stay and get the Coumadin out of my body so that we can determine if all my veins are open.  Once that happens, I can really then better determine if the CCSVI vein opening is having any effect on my MS condition.  I think it is, but it's really hard to say at this point.